I returned to work the day after I landed from a 3 week US crisscrossing adventure. Went to VA to see my family, Corvallis, OR to see the Yousey family, San Diego for a sort of flamenco burning man weekend and then the Big Apple before returning to paradise.
It was an incredible time of feeding my hunger for dance, the outdoors, delicious fresh food, big cities and family time. I took classes, hiked mountains, watched shows, cooked, ate, walked, biked, walked while looking up at buildings, and ate the most amazing blackberries I will ever eat right off of wild bushes. It was a definite escape from my normal reality.
Then I came back.
To reality.
Every little annoyance at work, every bit of other people's drama, every minor inconvenience that I forgot about during my blissful, restorative time somehow grew in magnitude while I was gone. I am back to my good life and I can see are the things I don't like. I feel myself getting caught up in the the principle of things, which I make it a practice not to do, because I feel like one's own principles applied to others can be a recipe for attempted murder. Like for instance, someone broke one of my pastry brushes while I was away. They broke it and just left it on my station. No note. No I'm sorry. Nothing. So, I can take this two ways. 1) This is how I normally react: This is about a brush. I need a new pastry brush. Cool, I'll go pick one up this week. They really must have needed it and maybe don't have the resources to get another one. However I can be helpful. I have lots to give. or 2) This is me now: What the hell? Do you people have no respect? Who breaks someone else's belongings and then doesn't f***ing replace it? These people! Were you raised at all by humans? So rude! Blahblahblahnegativeblah!
As much as I feel a certain amount of righteousness in door number 2, I feel like that approach is health problems amassing exponentially. Plus people all over have real, non first world problems. In the grand scheme of things, it's a pastry brush. No, it's about respect! No, it's really just a $5 brush. I don't want a heart attack.
I had extreme mood swings my first day back and I wasn't even PMS'ing. One minute, I was genuinely experiencing pure joy from creating and organizing and getting back into my job. The next minute, I was angry, completely engulfed in a silent rage at the shitshow that is dealing with humans in a complex dynamic. I had the next day off, but today, the second shift I've worked, another double, I wasn't much better. Everyone at work says that I should have at least 2 weeks of happiness before I start getting upset. As Borat says: NOT! Definitely not the case this time.
Perhaps, that's an indicator of how stark the difference is between the experiences I had while away and the experience of being back at work. I suppose that's a good thing in a way. Maybe it just means I did vacation right.
I oftentimes have trouble telling people how I would like things to be. I don't think it's low self-esteem that keeps me from speaking out. I really just forget sometimes that I am a badass and I'm allowed to ask for things and fight for things. I hate that I forget that I'm a badass, but I love when I remember. It feels good to remember.
I am also having the epiphany that I do not have to be perfect in order to give someone constructive feedback on how I would like to be treated. I think from formative experiences with my pops, I frequently act out of fear in an attempt to AVOID being a hypocrite. It's as if my request or feedback is only valid in my own and others' eyes if I have never contradicted what I am asking for. And I have a terrible memory. I don't remember this stuff. I always leave the door open that sure, maybe I could have done that. Who am I to ask someone else to do/not do something and I am not even able to? So, then I don't ask/say things because I don't want to allow the possibility that I could be being a hypocrite. As I write this, it feels completely illogical. Because dammit, I DO have that right! I can ask anything I want. It's just a question. I think letting go of attachment to a particular response is paramount. I also think I need to make these questions/suggestions with the clear INTENTION of making things better. Intention will almost always override fear for me. It is when my intention is not clear that fear can easily steer me away from doing the good stuff.
So, the next time my coworker sips his open beer while he gives me a lift home, I can confidently ask him not to do that with me in the car, intending good things for both of us, but secretly wondering how he could be such a rude, narcissistic piece of shit. I'll keep working on it.
