Discovering that I am not the person I thought I was has been enlightening, awful, wonderful, embarrassing, rewarding. Since this is a process that is perpetually happening, it can be overwhelming feeling all of those emotions all at once, all the time, well, at least when I think about it.
This is where I would like to remember 2 things:
1) I would like to let go of my attachments. Even my attachment to letting go of my attachments.
2) It is what it is. Whatever I make of it is up to me. I was well on my way to letting go of a judgement mentality and somehow I have lost it. Nothing "is what it is" lately. Most things are generally frustrating. I think though that when things are very frustrating in my home space, my only? refuge in the world, it trickles into everything else. It's like that scary movie Leeches. Basically, leeches go around killing people. And when one leech gets chopped up, it's bits regenerate into individual killer leeches. So one leech who accidentally gets chopped up in a salad multiplies. And you are taking a hot shower releasing the stress of the day and suddenly one is crawling on you. And then two. And then it's exponential immigration to your shower and almost instantly you are over taken by leeches and you die.
So, that's kind of dramatic. I had not so great dreams last night. I dreamt I had a panic attack in a grocery store and I was trying to hide it from everyone. Ick.
So, anyway the whole leeches thing is reflective of my recent experience with fearful and anxious thoughts. If I am not careful to torch the hell out of that first leech, the just keep coming until I am fear-overtaken. So, I am thinking that maybe I should herd all of those leeches, put them in a contained space, perhaps a box (more on boxes later), look at them. Observe them. Thank them for whatever it is they came to teach me and then banish them to the outer reaches of the galaxy where they will eat, drink, be merry (which of course leads to reproduction). I can just hope they don't remember the way back. I will put wrinkles in space and time and they will get lost in any attempt to come back to this reality. They can end up in some Uchronia,maybe the one where I am a witch and have super powers against leeches and all things leechlike. But more like a Glinda, not an Elphaba.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Saturday, 5 November 2011
A Boat Butt Light
So for the past week, there has been a bright light hovering above the horizon at night in the view from my complex pool. At first I thought it was a plane although that was not normal placement for aircraft off the coast, but then I realized a good 30 minutes later that it had not moved.
So, I got myself all excited thinking it was a planet.
Well, my coworker has the StarWalk app on his iPhone and I have been bugging him to use it and finally tonight he came over and we walked down to the water to verify my claim. He looks and says oh so gently, "Quiana, that's a boat. See the outline of the ship and it has a green light on one end and a yellow light on the other end." Well, I did have to admit that it did appear that way, but I was not ready to concede that it was the actual case.
So, we pull up StarWalk and my assertion of it being a planet was quickly disproved.
SN: I know what I saw and the light tonight was not the same light I have been seeing all this time!
Anyhow, so I am saying that it is this really bright star that is showing on StarWalk. Well, this boat decides to come from the left and pass behind the boat that Gopal says is my star. The "star" which should have been blocked by the passing boat never gets blocked. Meaning that the light is closer to me than the passing ship. Meaning I thought tonight that the butt light of a boat was a star. Gopal got a big kick out of me proving myself wrong. Then he proceeded to dump his sorrel drink all over me staining my clothes and my skin. Damn, I should have taken a picture of that.
So, I got myself all excited thinking it was a planet.
Well, my coworker has the StarWalk app on his iPhone and I have been bugging him to use it and finally tonight he came over and we walked down to the water to verify my claim. He looks and says oh so gently, "Quiana, that's a boat. See the outline of the ship and it has a green light on one end and a yellow light on the other end." Well, I did have to admit that it did appear that way, but I was not ready to concede that it was the actual case.
So, we pull up StarWalk and my assertion of it being a planet was quickly disproved.
SN: I know what I saw and the light tonight was not the same light I have been seeing all this time!
Anyhow, so I am saying that it is this really bright star that is showing on StarWalk. Well, this boat decides to come from the left and pass behind the boat that Gopal says is my star. The "star" which should have been blocked by the passing boat never gets blocked. Meaning that the light is closer to me than the passing ship. Meaning I thought tonight that the butt light of a boat was a star. Gopal got a big kick out of me proving myself wrong. Then he proceeded to dump his sorrel drink all over me staining my clothes and my skin. Damn, I should have taken a picture of that.
Friday, 4 November 2011
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Snapshots
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| Making candied lemon peel |
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| My lip |
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| Maybe I should make friends... |
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| I like this one |
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| Forehead |
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| I seeeeeee youuuuuu |
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| Tuna Teeth |
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| Making pepper jelly |
Monday, 31 October 2011
On a lighter note
I today remembered my desire to chase a tornado after seeing some waterspouts off the coast while relaxing at the beach.
And I saw an ENORMOUS iguana walk past my patio this morning. I really need to get a better camera.
And I saw an ENORMOUS iguana walk past my patio this morning. I really need to get a better camera.
Hallucinations
There is a part of my brain that I want to label "dark" but I really don't want to label it more.
This part of my brain plays horrid flashes of images in my head all day.
Images of me slicing up my fingers. Images of blood flowing because I have sliced myself or raked my fingers through spikes. It's always my hands. I hate it. I have to not think about it too much because it makes me feel like there is some part of my brain trying to tell "me" something and I don't know what it is. I don't know why I repeatedly see these things. I am trying not to hate it. I am trying not to let it depress me. I am trying to be very zen about it and accept that my brain is producing these images and not label it as anything, you know the whole, it-is-what-it-is-bit. Sometimes this is very easy. Sometimes I just want to cry because I want to stop seeing them.
Today, I was cutting some potatoes for dinner and I felt very comfortable with the knife in my hand. Very secure. I thought to myself Why do I keep seeing these things when I feel confident with this knife in my hand? No images of blood when I actually have a knife in hand. Just "randomly" throughout the day.
Then I think of this book I read called Little Bee. Really good book. <<SPOILER ALERT-SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU WANT TO READ THE BOOK>> But there is a part in the book where an American couple has to chop off a finger in order to save the lives of a couple of African girls. I wonder to myself if I would do it. In the book, the husband doesn't do it but the wife does. I think to myself, well this woman chopped off her own fingers, maybe I should just chop off my own fingers so the fear of chopping them off and the horrible images will go away.
I am not going to chop off my fingers.
I believe that the images don't have much to do with my fingers. I sure do wish I understood what they do have to do with.
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Just so I don't forget...
And to make you salivate...
Specials I have already run:
Passionfruit Pavlova (meringue cup with passionfruit mousse and tropical fruit salad atop)
Mocha Mousse Cake (chocolate cake layers alternating with coffee mousse and topped with coffee ganache)
Toffifay Tart (chocolate cookie crust with a caramel layer and topped with a hazelnut chocolate mousse)
Banana Cream Pie (chocolate crust with bananas in vanilla pastry cream and topped with chantilly creme)
Mango Mousse Timbale (thin layer of vanilla cake topped with mango mousse, molded in a cylinder, and topped with chantilly creme and curvy tuile cookie)
Okay, I think that is all for now. I really need to take my camera to work.
Specials I have already run:
Passionfruit Pavlova (meringue cup with passionfruit mousse and tropical fruit salad atop)
Mocha Mousse Cake (chocolate cake layers alternating with coffee mousse and topped with coffee ganache)
Toffifay Tart (chocolate cookie crust with a caramel layer and topped with a hazelnut chocolate mousse)
Banana Cream Pie (chocolate crust with bananas in vanilla pastry cream and topped with chantilly creme)
Mango Mousse Timbale (thin layer of vanilla cake topped with mango mousse, molded in a cylinder, and topped with chantilly creme and curvy tuile cookie)
Okay, I think that is all for now. I really need to take my camera to work.
I can't wait to compare this something I do in 6 months.
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| My first cake on the job. Still working on my decorating skills (would have been better if I actually had my appropriate tools. arg). But the cake was BANGING!! White cake that tasted like a sugar cookie with lemon curd filling (the most divine emulsion in the world!!) and frosted with melt in your mouth, light as air lemon swiss meringue buttercream. I am either going to weigh 300 lbs when this is said and done or I'll have diabetes. Or no teeth. |
Swirly Love
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| I am going to try to bake these inside of the restaurant on Sunday mornings so when people come in for brunch, the restaurant smells like freshly baked cinnamon buns. |
Which way is infinity?
So, I have been here for a couple of weeks now and I have so much to say!
But I'll start with one of my favorite things about this place: sunsets
I moved into an apartment where a fellow ex-pat was renting out a room. An English chap, very nice. The apartment complex is on the water, and from the back patio, I can watch the sun set over the water. It's without words. It's been a while since I have seen the sun set over water. And since I lived in Virginia Beach for 99% of my life, only sunrises happen over the water and if you know me, you know I didn't catch many of those.
So, there was a storm brewing somewhere in the ocean and it made the water very choppy here, which is not normal. And this complex is on the water, but the water meets a rocky shore, not a sandy one. There is a 2 foot tall cement wall that runs along the shoreline of the property, separating the grounds of the complex from the "beach." So last night I decided to go out and lay on the cement wall and watch the sunset upside down. It wasn't so much the sunset that was freaky, but watching the water crashing into the rocks and splashing down?? It was pretty freaky cool. It actually kind of reminded me of a salamander (this cool thing in a kitchen that burns above the food). I highly recommend watching any horizon at any time of day from a different perspective. Even laying on your side is pretty freaking cool. It actually inspired some plating designs in my head. When I actually do them, I'll take a photo.
But imagining infinity in a different direction is cool. Normally, up is infinity, leading away from you toward the heavens, the stars and "higher" powers, etc. But when you turn upside down, infinity goes down and somehow leads to you. Or you lay on your side and infinity goes to the right. It's weird. Try it. Just lay some other way and take in the direction of birds and trees rustling and cars driving and kids going down a slide. It's pretty neat.
But I'll start with one of my favorite things about this place: sunsets
I moved into an apartment where a fellow ex-pat was renting out a room. An English chap, very nice. The apartment complex is on the water, and from the back patio, I can watch the sun set over the water. It's without words. It's been a while since I have seen the sun set over water. And since I lived in Virginia Beach for 99% of my life, only sunrises happen over the water and if you know me, you know I didn't catch many of those.
So, there was a storm brewing somewhere in the ocean and it made the water very choppy here, which is not normal. And this complex is on the water, but the water meets a rocky shore, not a sandy one. There is a 2 foot tall cement wall that runs along the shoreline of the property, separating the grounds of the complex from the "beach." So last night I decided to go out and lay on the cement wall and watch the sunset upside down. It wasn't so much the sunset that was freaky, but watching the water crashing into the rocks and splashing down?? It was pretty freaky cool. It actually kind of reminded me of a salamander (this cool thing in a kitchen that burns above the food). I highly recommend watching any horizon at any time of day from a different perspective. Even laying on your side is pretty freaking cool. It actually inspired some plating designs in my head. When I actually do them, I'll take a photo.
But imagining infinity in a different direction is cool. Normally, up is infinity, leading away from you toward the heavens, the stars and "higher" powers, etc. But when you turn upside down, infinity goes down and somehow leads to you. Or you lay on your side and infinity goes to the right. It's weird. Try it. Just lay some other way and take in the direction of birds and trees rustling and cars driving and kids going down a slide. It's pretty neat.
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
Good morning
there is so much beauty in going from reverse warrior to triangle pose.
that alone will sustain me the rest of the day.
that alone will sustain me the rest of the day.
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Paris Christ
I have been told that whatever vice you have before you come to the islands becomes all-consuming once you get here. Drinking socially elsewhere becomes full blown alcoholism here. I went out with some co-workers the night before my first day for some get to know you time. I really like them. But I fear I am going to have to find other ways of bonding because they can DRANK. I am the girl who gets slutty after one glass of wine and they look completely composed after much more than that. I am not saying this to disparage anyone. I am a big believer in people doing what makes them happy and then being happy (I somehow have found ways of doing things that make me happy and then not being happy). And honestly, I may be in the same boat after a month here, who knows?
But then I think about Paris.
Paris I think might be my savior from becoming a full blown drunk on this island of not a whole lot. I read this book with my former boo last fall called Paris Is Burning about the occupation/liberation of Paris during World War II. The book was ridiculously thick and I remember at first thinking ewwww, why would I read this? But it was such an amazing retelling of the events leading up to the liberation of Paris and included the stories of so many people, both big and small players in the war.
The level of research that went into the book must have been EXTENSIVE because there were so many details about everything. Details about thought processes. Details about small life moments. Details about small everyday interactions. Details about the men who were in a particular tank and their back stories. It was fascinating. But one thing I found fascinating is how much this very high-ranking Nazi officer, who was in command of Paris, basically disobeyed Hitler's orders to destroy the city. My recollection of why he disobeyed is cloudy, but it was either because 1) he couldn't destroy something he thought was so beautiful or 2) he didn't want to be put in history books as the man who destroyed something so beautiful (Paris) or 3) maybe a little bit of both? So, after reading that book, I decided that Paris is something that I would like to experience with my own ten senses. Besides being arguably the most beautiful city in the world, it is a pastry mecca.
So, I think I am going to set a reminder in my phone every day around 7 that says Paris that will remind me not to squander my money on getting drunk or anything else for that matter. But as with all voids, it must be filled with something...
But then I think about Paris.
Paris I think might be my savior from becoming a full blown drunk on this island of not a whole lot. I read this book with my former boo last fall called Paris Is Burning about the occupation/liberation of Paris during World War II. The book was ridiculously thick and I remember at first thinking ewwww, why would I read this? But it was such an amazing retelling of the events leading up to the liberation of Paris and included the stories of so many people, both big and small players in the war.
The level of research that went into the book must have been EXTENSIVE because there were so many details about everything. Details about thought processes. Details about small life moments. Details about small everyday interactions. Details about the men who were in a particular tank and their back stories. It was fascinating. But one thing I found fascinating is how much this very high-ranking Nazi officer, who was in command of Paris, basically disobeyed Hitler's orders to destroy the city. My recollection of why he disobeyed is cloudy, but it was either because 1) he couldn't destroy something he thought was so beautiful or 2) he didn't want to be put in history books as the man who destroyed something so beautiful (Paris) or 3) maybe a little bit of both? So, after reading that book, I decided that Paris is something that I would like to experience with my own ten senses. Besides being arguably the most beautiful city in the world, it is a pastry mecca.
So, I think I am going to set a reminder in my phone every day around 7 that says Paris that will remind me not to squander my money on getting drunk or anything else for that matter. But as with all voids, it must be filled with something...
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Day One
When I moved from Virginia Beach to Miami, I would frequently have these anxiety-inducing dreams where I would wake up totally tensed because my brother was about to beat me up or I was about to die violently or some other TERRIBLE fate I couldn't control. I haven't had them for a while. I think last night I had a breakthrough.
I was in the Cayman Islands and my friend and former boss Kelli, was driving me around giving me a tour of the island. I could see from our vantage point that she was taking me down this long peninsula that ends in "the bluff." I was so excited! Suddenly her car lifted from the road and we were flying and I could see the entire penisula from the air. I expressed my surprise that her car could fly and she just looked at me like "where have you been, Quiana?" but in a very loving way. So we get down to the end and we have to land. Again, I am thinking "this thing lands?" And again, Kelli, ever so patient, assures me that it does. So, somehow, this whole adventure turns into me having to jump from the car and ricocheting myself from this big plastic white barrel in order to land in a pool on "the bluff" which has now become an island the size of a pool deck elevated way above the water. Well, I can still do the calculation in my head of approaching speed, estimated bounciness of the barrel, point of body contact with the barrel, the point in space at which I should launch from the car to get the correct angle of ricochet in order to hit the barrel and be redirected to the pool, etc. But, as I have done many times in my life, I doubted myself and I missed. I end up in the water and the bluff now turned pool island is now a humongous ship that I am not on. Kelli is though. She is watching me in the water from the back of the boat. And what appears in the water? A dolphin. A very happy dolphin comes to play with me. And I can't see him. My eyes are stuck shut. I can't open my eyes. I am trying and trying and trying, but it's like someone has glued them with rubber cement and the more I try, the harder it gets and they snap back closed. I do get a glimpse of him through squinty eyes and water running down them. I swear he is smiling. I can feel him splashing around me. Kelli is so tickled by this and I am excited and trying to open my eyes so badly so I can see. (sn: I don't open my eyes when I am in the water because I never have. I smell a new adventure). And then, the dolphin starts giving me dolphin kisses. Like just touching his mouth where my mouth is, but in a friendly way, like you kiss friends on the cheek. So I start scratching his belly and we are so in like and having so much fun with each other. It was just pure enjoyment and being in the moment. Then the cruise ship starts to pull away. I get a little concerned and try to swim after it, but not for long because I know I am not catching that thing. Kelli is yelling to me that Kathryn (a former student) will not be able to come back and get me for an hour. I am not afraid. The thought of sharks popped into my head, but I felt safe with my new dolphin friend. I figured if sharks did come around, I could just hitch a ride because he would hightail it out of there with me holding on for dear life..
I don't swim in real life. The fact is that in this sort of dream, I would normally freak out, start crying, start imagining every HORRIBLE situation that could ensue from being left in the ocean by myself, like sharks circling me and attacking me bit by bit or drowning slowly from big waves continually crashing down on me or the dolphin turning evil and dragging me to the bottom of the ocean floor. And then I would wake up feeling extremely fragile. And that feeling of insecurity and fear would hop on my shoulder like a freakin pirate's parrot and squawk in my ear all day long.
But that did not happen.
I woke up feeling peaceful. I woke up knowing that there's no need to freak out. I am capable of handling 99% of what the world throws at me and for the times I can't handle, there are wonderful, kind, generous, thoughtful humans who would loan me their whatever to help. And I can be at peace.
My boss told me yesterday I have to come up with a dessert for an event for 250 people. I didn't even flinch. My brain just started churning. I don't know how this me came about, but I am liking her more and more each day I get to know her and remain true to her.
I was in the Cayman Islands and my friend and former boss Kelli, was driving me around giving me a tour of the island. I could see from our vantage point that she was taking me down this long peninsula that ends in "the bluff." I was so excited! Suddenly her car lifted from the road and we were flying and I could see the entire penisula from the air. I expressed my surprise that her car could fly and she just looked at me like "where have you been, Quiana?" but in a very loving way. So we get down to the end and we have to land. Again, I am thinking "this thing lands?" And again, Kelli, ever so patient, assures me that it does. So, somehow, this whole adventure turns into me having to jump from the car and ricocheting myself from this big plastic white barrel in order to land in a pool on "the bluff" which has now become an island the size of a pool deck elevated way above the water. Well, I can still do the calculation in my head of approaching speed, estimated bounciness of the barrel, point of body contact with the barrel, the point in space at which I should launch from the car to get the correct angle of ricochet in order to hit the barrel and be redirected to the pool, etc. But, as I have done many times in my life, I doubted myself and I missed. I end up in the water and the bluff now turned pool island is now a humongous ship that I am not on. Kelli is though. She is watching me in the water from the back of the boat. And what appears in the water? A dolphin. A very happy dolphin comes to play with me. And I can't see him. My eyes are stuck shut. I can't open my eyes. I am trying and trying and trying, but it's like someone has glued them with rubber cement and the more I try, the harder it gets and they snap back closed. I do get a glimpse of him through squinty eyes and water running down them. I swear he is smiling. I can feel him splashing around me. Kelli is so tickled by this and I am excited and trying to open my eyes so badly so I can see. (sn: I don't open my eyes when I am in the water because I never have. I smell a new adventure). And then, the dolphin starts giving me dolphin kisses. Like just touching his mouth where my mouth is, but in a friendly way, like you kiss friends on the cheek. So I start scratching his belly and we are so in like and having so much fun with each other. It was just pure enjoyment and being in the moment. Then the cruise ship starts to pull away. I get a little concerned and try to swim after it, but not for long because I know I am not catching that thing. Kelli is yelling to me that Kathryn (a former student) will not be able to come back and get me for an hour. I am not afraid. The thought of sharks popped into my head, but I felt safe with my new dolphin friend. I figured if sharks did come around, I could just hitch a ride because he would hightail it out of there with me holding on for dear life..
I don't swim in real life. The fact is that in this sort of dream, I would normally freak out, start crying, start imagining every HORRIBLE situation that could ensue from being left in the ocean by myself, like sharks circling me and attacking me bit by bit or drowning slowly from big waves continually crashing down on me or the dolphin turning evil and dragging me to the bottom of the ocean floor. And then I would wake up feeling extremely fragile. And that feeling of insecurity and fear would hop on my shoulder like a freakin pirate's parrot and squawk in my ear all day long.
But that did not happen.
I woke up feeling peaceful. I woke up knowing that there's no need to freak out. I am capable of handling 99% of what the world throws at me and for the times I can't handle, there are wonderful, kind, generous, thoughtful humans who would loan me their whatever to help. And I can be at peace.
My boss told me yesterday I have to come up with a dessert for an event for 250 people. I didn't even flinch. My brain just started churning. I don't know how this me came about, but I am liking her more and more each day I get to know her and remain true to her.
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