Discovery

Discovering that I am not the person I thought I was has been enlightening, awful, wonderful, embarrassing, rewarding.  Since this is a process that is perpetually happening, it can be overwhelming feeling all of those emotions all at once, all the time, well, at least when I think about it.

This is where I would like to remember 2 things:
1)  I would like to let go of my attachments.  Even my attachment to letting go of my attachments.
2) It is what it is.  Whatever I make of it is up to me.   I was well on my way to letting go of a judgement mentality and somehow I have lost it.  Nothing "is what it is" lately.  Most things are generally frustrating.  I think though that when things are very frustrating in my home space, my only? refuge in the world, it trickles into everything else.  It's like that scary movie Leeches.  Basically, leeches go around killing people.  And when one leech gets chopped up, it's bits regenerate into individual killer leeches.  So one leech who accidentally gets chopped up in a salad multiplies. And you are taking a hot shower releasing the stress of the day and suddenly one is crawling on you.  And then two. And then it's exponential immigration to your shower and almost instantly you are over taken by leeches and you die.

So, that's kind of dramatic.  I had not so great dreams last night.  I dreamt I had a panic attack in a grocery store and I was trying to hide it from everyone.  Ick.

So, anyway the whole leeches thing is reflective of my recent experience with fearful and anxious thoughts.  If I am not careful to torch the hell out of that first leech, the just keep coming until I am fear-overtaken.  So, I am thinking that maybe I should herd all of those leeches, put them in a contained space, perhaps a box (more on boxes later), look at them.  Observe them.  Thank them for whatever it is they came to teach me and then banish them to the outer reaches of the galaxy where they will eat, drink, be merry (which of course leads to reproduction).  I can just hope they don't remember the way back.  I will put wrinkles in space and time and they will get lost in any attempt to come back to this reality.  They can end up in some Uchronia,maybe the one where I am a witch and have super powers against leeches and all things leechlike.  But more like a Glinda, not an Elphaba.

A Boat Butt Light

So for the past week, there has been a bright light hovering above the horizon at night in the view from my complex pool.  At first I thought it was a plane although that was not normal placement for aircraft off the coast, but then I realized a good 30 minutes later that it had not moved.

So, I got myself all excited thinking it was a planet.

Well, my coworker has the StarWalk app on his iPhone and I have been bugging him to use it and finally tonight he came over and we walked down to the water to verify my claim.  He looks and says oh so gently, "Quiana, that's a boat.  See the outline of the ship and it has a green light on one end and a yellow light on the other end."  Well, I did have to admit that it did appear that way, but I was not ready to concede that it was the actual case.

So, we pull up StarWalk and my assertion of it being a planet was quickly disproved.

SN:  I know what I saw and the light tonight was not the same light I have been seeing all this time!

Anyhow, so I am saying that it is this really bright star that is showing on StarWalk.  Well, this boat decides to come from the left and pass behind the boat that Gopal says is my star.  The "star" which should have been blocked by the passing boat never gets blocked.  Meaning that the light is closer to me than the passing ship.  Meaning I thought tonight that the butt light of a boat was a star.  Gopal got a big kick out of me proving myself wrong.  Then he proceeded to dump his sorrel drink all over me staining my clothes and my skin.  Damn, I should have taken a picture of that.

Mississippi Mud Pie

Snapshots

Making candied lemon peel

My lip

Maybe I should make friends...

I like this one

Forehead

I seeeeeee youuuuuu

Tuna Teeth

Making pepper jelly

On a lighter note

I today remembered my desire to chase a tornado after seeing some waterspouts off the coast while relaxing at the beach.

And I saw an ENORMOUS iguana walk past my patio this morning.  I really need to get a better camera.

Hallucinations

There is a part of my brain that I want to label "dark" but I really don't want to label it more.

This part of my brain plays horrid flashes of images in my head all day.

Images of me slicing up my fingers.  Images of blood flowing because I have sliced myself or raked my fingers through spikes.  It's always my hands.  I hate it.  I have to not think about it too much because it makes me feel like there is some part of my brain trying to tell "me" something and I don't know what it is.  I don't know why I repeatedly see these things.  I am trying not to hate it.  I am trying not to let it depress me.  I am trying to be very zen about it and accept that my brain is producing these images and not label it as anything, you know the whole, it-is-what-it-is-bit.  Sometimes this is very easy.  Sometimes I just want to cry because I want to stop seeing them.

Today, I was cutting some potatoes for dinner and I felt very comfortable with the knife in my hand.  Very secure.  I thought to myself Why do I keep seeing these things when I feel confident with this knife in my hand?  No images of blood when I actually have a knife in hand.  Just "randomly" throughout the day.

Then I think of this book I read called Little Bee.  Really good book.  <<SPOILER ALERT-SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU WANT TO READ THE BOOK>>  But there is a part in the book where an American couple has to chop off a finger in order to save the lives of a couple of African girls.  I wonder to myself if I would do it.  In the book, the husband doesn't do it but the wife does.  I think to myself, well this woman chopped off her own fingers, maybe I should just chop off my own fingers so the fear of chopping them off and the horrible images will go away.

I am not going to chop off my fingers.

I believe that the images don't have much to do with my fingers.  I sure do wish I understood what they do have to do with.

Just so I don't forget...

And to make you salivate...

Specials I have already run:

Passionfruit Pavlova (meringue cup with passionfruit mousse and tropical fruit salad atop)

Mocha Mousse Cake (chocolate cake layers alternating with coffee mousse and topped with coffee ganache)

Toffifay Tart (chocolate cookie crust with a caramel layer and topped with a hazelnut chocolate mousse)

Banana Cream Pie (chocolate crust with bananas in vanilla pastry cream and topped with chantilly creme)

Mango Mousse Timbale (thin layer of vanilla cake topped with mango mousse, molded in a cylinder, and topped with chantilly creme and curvy tuile cookie)

Okay, I think that is all for now.  I really need to take my camera to work.