Discovery

Discovering that I am not the person I thought I was has been enlightening, awful, wonderful, embarrassing, rewarding.  Since this is a process that is perpetually happening, it can be overwhelming feeling all of those emotions all at once, all the time, well, at least when I think about it.

This is where I would like to remember 2 things:
1)  I would like to let go of my attachments.  Even my attachment to letting go of my attachments.
2) It is what it is.  Whatever I make of it is up to me.   I was well on my way to letting go of a judgement mentality and somehow I have lost it.  Nothing "is what it is" lately.  Most things are generally frustrating.  I think though that when things are very frustrating in my home space, my only? refuge in the world, it trickles into everything else.  It's like that scary movie Leeches.  Basically, leeches go around killing people.  And when one leech gets chopped up, it's bits regenerate into individual killer leeches.  So one leech who accidentally gets chopped up in a salad multiplies. And you are taking a hot shower releasing the stress of the day and suddenly one is crawling on you.  And then two. And then it's exponential immigration to your shower and almost instantly you are over taken by leeches and you die.

So, that's kind of dramatic.  I had not so great dreams last night.  I dreamt I had a panic attack in a grocery store and I was trying to hide it from everyone.  Ick.

So, anyway the whole leeches thing is reflective of my recent experience with fearful and anxious thoughts.  If I am not careful to torch the hell out of that first leech, the just keep coming until I am fear-overtaken.  So, I am thinking that maybe I should herd all of those leeches, put them in a contained space, perhaps a box (more on boxes later), look at them.  Observe them.  Thank them for whatever it is they came to teach me and then banish them to the outer reaches of the galaxy where they will eat, drink, be merry (which of course leads to reproduction).  I can just hope they don't remember the way back.  I will put wrinkles in space and time and they will get lost in any attempt to come back to this reality.  They can end up in some Uchronia,maybe the one where I am a witch and have super powers against leeches and all things leechlike.  But more like a Glinda, not an Elphaba.