Why do I stop before I start?

"If all that stands between you a d your dreams is yourself, then you know your enemy, all of his strengths, all of his weaknesses and victory is not by chance, but by choice alone."

So, I went to this bootcamp workout class tonight and as I am perusing the website discovering how to sign up, I see this quote.  Not an hour ago, I was having dinner with a fellow pastry chef and we were discussing our dreams of working for ourselves.  Yesterday, I was dreaming with a friend about opening and Italian place in Costa Rica- coffee and pastries in the morning and wine and pasta at night.  It smacks me in the face, this question I am ashamed/scared to answer:  What is stopping me?  What stops me from developing a business plan, finding investors and getting on with it?  Why do I choose not to be victorious?  I have so many dreams and ideas and things I would like to do in this life.  I think a big part of me is scared that once I fulfill them, then what next?  But I am a dreamer.  I will never run out of dreams.  I think what really keeps me paralyzed is the fear of failure.  I am reading The Alchemist and Slaughterhouse Five and I can't really remember which said (I think it was the Alchemist), but one of the authors makes the remark that people who actually pursue their dreams are prone to devastation if it doesn't work out (or something like that). 

What happens if we fail at something we truly want and work hard to achieve?

There is part of me that does not even want to face this question.  That same part of me is the part that is holding me back from my dream of working for myself.  It held me back from my dream of having a dance career.  It holds me back from doing a lot of the things I feel "called" to do.  I am content most of the time with the distractions of fun and enjoyment with no real product or progress and I think that is exactly what this chapter of my journey needs.
But with the 2 conversations with 2 people in 2 days and the books I am currently reading, the universe is converging once again to make me answer this question.

What happens if I fail at something I feel destined to do?

I don't know.

I'll cry.  I'll shut down.  I'll try to figure out everything I did wrong.  I'll be in debt.  I'll suffer irreversible damage.  I'll realize I can't trust myself.  I am crying as I write about this hypothetical failure.  It shakes me to my core to even contemplate failing at something I care deeply about and invest all I am into.  It shakes me to my core to even think about giving 100% to something because of the potential of failure.  I suppose I can't fail if I don't really try.

But maybe there are more useful and positive reactions after the initial pain.

I'll realize maybe it wasn't my destiny.  I will rise up.  I will dream another dream.  I will let go of my attachment to a specific vision and accept instead of judge.  I'll pay off the debt.  I will take the lesson that the opportunity came along to teach me.  I will continue to cultivate gratitude for all things and what they bring that is useful into my life.

I am not fully convinced of my own words.  I love them in the theoretical sense.
I'd like to make them more practical.
This is going to take some serious work.

Yummies

                                            I think there was chocolate cake inside there?

 

Chocolate Duo "Soup and Sandwich"

 

First attempt at Semolina Bread

 

Bacon-Pecan Ice Cream

 

Apple Baklava

Leadership

I have been thinking about leadership a lot lately.
In light of my current employment, I have been reflecting on leadership in my own life from my early training in it, to my assuming roles of leadership and the leadership shown by people in and out of positions of authority in my life.

I listened to a short talk about leadership on Thinking Allowed (a youtube channel) and the thesis of his talk was this:  managing comes from the hands (metaphorically and etymologically-it comes from the word manos which means hands) and leadership comes from the feet.

Managing is about controlling and manipulating and maintaining the status quo.  Our hands control, manipulate things in the place we are.

Leading is about moving, about changing directions and taking people toward something.  Our feet locomote us, change directions, provide a foundation which we can stand on to manipulate things.

I am sure that holes can be poked in this metaphor, I can think of a few myself.

But it did kind of make me see that my views on leadership could be somewhat limited.  I suppose if I had to have a top 3 tenets of leadership, they would look something like this:

• Lead by example.  Clear actions first, clear verbal communication second.  Both essential.
• Respect your followers as humans.  Belittling treatment is unnecessary and counterproductive.  Fear should not be used a tool for manipulation.
• Know what you are working toward and plan accordingly.

I suppose a fourth one, which is probably the most important (but I would say does not apply exclusively to leadership, but to all that living is), would be to bring love/Tao/quality/duende/a million other words that all hint toward the same thing to all aspects of leading.

I think that in my own style of "leadership," I would make a decent manager.  I am able to build rapport with about anyone (except really strungout crackheads and they scare the crap out of me) and I believe through my own experience as a leader and a follower, it is the most effective tool to getting people behind you.  But I also believe that true leadership isn't about getting people behind a person, but getting people behind a greater something for everyone to believe in.  That's where I run into trouble-determining what is it I am working toward.

I suppose this is where the feet kick in (i'm so punny) and set the direction and get people moving.  This is an area of personal growth for me.  I have no particular direction.  I have enjoyed living my life up to this moment tackling the opportunities presented to me, instead of "creating" opportunities for myself and others.  I feel like I am ready to build something.  I feel like I want to create a place where people can feel free to be free with the goal of taking that freedom into their "real" lives.  Take that creativity and acceptance in freedom and offer it to everyone.

I think I am just rambling on now.  But I do feel like so many people feel trapped in their own lives.  They live in impossibility.  They live in fear.   They live thinking they can't take chances because their entire lives they have been indoctrinated to believe a lot of things they haven't gotten around to questioning yet.

For once I don't feel that way.   I want everyone to feel this way.

It feels like love all day,with every person (almost everyone.  i still have work to do), in every task.
it feels transcendent.  it is beautiful.

i've had an idea for a while to start a movement called the re-love-ution.

gotta start fleshing that out.