"If all that stands between you a d your dreams is yourself, then you know your enemy, all of his strengths, all of his weaknesses and victory is not by chance, but by choice alone."
So, I went to this bootcamp workout class tonight and as I am perusing the website discovering how to sign up, I see this quote. Not an hour ago, I was having dinner with a fellow pastry chef and we were discussing our dreams of working for ourselves. Yesterday, I was dreaming with a friend about opening and Italian place in Costa Rica- coffee and pastries in the morning and wine and pasta at night. It smacks me in the face, this question I am ashamed/scared to answer: What is stopping me? What stops me from developing a business plan, finding investors and getting on with it? Why do I choose not to be victorious? I have so many dreams and ideas and things I would like to do in this life. I think a big part of me is scared that once I fulfill them, then what next? But I am a dreamer. I will never run out of dreams. I think what really keeps me paralyzed is the fear of failure. I am reading The Alchemist and Slaughterhouse Five and I can't really remember which said (I think it was the Alchemist), but one of the authors makes the remark that people who actually pursue their dreams are prone to devastation if it doesn't work out (or something like that).
What happens if we fail at something we truly want and work hard to achieve?
There is part of me that does not even want to face this question. That same part of me is the part that is holding me back from my dream of working for myself. It held me back from my dream of having a dance career. It holds me back from doing a lot of the things I feel "called" to do. I am content most of the time with the distractions of fun and enjoyment with no real product or progress and I think that is exactly what this chapter of my journey needs.
But with the 2 conversations with 2 people in 2 days and the books I am currently reading, the universe is converging once again to make me answer this question.
What happens if I fail at something I feel destined to do?
I don't know.
I'll cry. I'll shut down. I'll try to figure out everything I did wrong. I'll be in debt. I'll suffer irreversible damage. I'll realize I can't trust myself. I am crying as I write about this hypothetical failure. It shakes me to my core to even contemplate failing at something I care deeply about and invest all I am into. It shakes me to my core to even think about giving 100% to something because of the potential of failure. I suppose I can't fail if I don't really try.
But maybe there are more useful and positive reactions after the initial pain.
I'll realize maybe it wasn't my destiny. I will rise up. I will dream another dream. I will let go of my attachment to a specific vision and accept instead of judge. I'll pay off the debt. I will take the lesson that the opportunity came along to teach me. I will continue to cultivate gratitude for all things and what they bring that is useful into my life.
I am not fully convinced of my own words. I love them in the theoretical sense.
I'd like to make them more practical.
This is going to take some serious work.
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