This word has recently become a usable unit of vocabulary.
6:30 am spin class wrecks me.
Working a double after only sleeping 6 hours wrecks me.
And the movie Wild. It wrecked me.
**spoiler alert**
Her mother dies.
That is something I don't even want to think about, my mother dying.
The tragedy though comes from getting to know the character of her mother.
Her mother is AWESOME! She is love.
She reminds me of my mother.
She reminds me of the mother that I would someday like to be.
And all I could see in this movie is this beautiful mother who vanishes and this beautiful mother that I may never get to be. I was crying in the movie. I was crying in the restroom when I peed after the movie. I am crying now.
I suppose I am supposed to let go of something. Let go of my attachment to desired outcomes, let go of the things that I want and have always wanted. Let the chips fall as they may. But I don't want to. I don't want to let go of falling into a giggle pile with my children. I don't want to let go of teaching them to dance and be free and be strong and be honest and accepting. I don't want to let go of rubbing their hair and encouraging them and helping them be the best humans they can be. I don't want to.
But they are imaginary.
These children I want to love are not real.
I am attached to figments of my imagination.
I just need to return to the now.
The now where I am not letting go.
