This word has recently become a usable unit of vocabulary.
6:30 am spin class wrecks me.
Working a double after only sleeping 6 hours wrecks me.
And the movie Wild. It wrecked me.
**spoiler alert**
Her mother dies.
That is something I don't even want to think about, my mother dying.
The tragedy though comes from getting to know the character of her mother.
Her mother is AWESOME! She is love.
She reminds me of my mother.
She reminds me of the mother that I would someday like to be.
And all I could see in this movie is this beautiful mother who vanishes and this beautiful mother that I may never get to be. I was crying in the movie. I was crying in the restroom when I peed after the movie. I am crying now.
I suppose I am supposed to let go of something. Let go of my attachment to desired outcomes, let go of the things that I want and have always wanted. Let the chips fall as they may. But I don't want to. I don't want to let go of falling into a giggle pile with my children. I don't want to let go of teaching them to dance and be free and be strong and be honest and accepting. I don't want to let go of rubbing their hair and encouraging them and helping them be the best humans they can be. I don't want to.
But they are imaginary.
These children I want to love are not real.
I am attached to figments of my imagination.
I just need to return to the now.
The now where I am not letting go.
The problem with letting go of attached outcomes is that we sometimes let go of acting with intent in the process. It's OK to dream. It's OK to desire. You just want to be present while doing so. Act with intentions to fulfill your dreams. If they are not fulfilled, it is OK to fail. You will at least know you tried, that you petitioned the Universe and Creator through action, and you received an answer (and not one through the idle forfeiture of attachments). You will have what you desire if you are creative enough and open enough. Wishing you much luck and blessings.
ReplyDeleteAlso, while your dreams may only be in your head, so is your fear. Perhaps, it is fear itself we need to break attachments with.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, you are totally hitting on elements of my life that I struggle with. I have always been anxious and have to be extremely intentional about not letting fear take over my mind. And being present and intentional is something that is not always easy. A big takeaway from what you wrote is "petitioned the universe through action." I feel a bit stuck sometimes in the area of acting in the dating realm. I think I hold too tightly to my idea of how it's all going to begin and what feelings I should have in the beginning and what it all looks like. Then I dismiss suitors rather quickly if it doesn't match. Not a very good strategy thus far. Especially since I feel like I help to kill any possible connection (which is ultimately what I want) because I am treating them like an item I am shopping for instead of like a fellow human. Not being open to who they are, but only open to if I am getting what I want out of them, which isn't really open at all. Thank you for your comments and sharing your light.
DeleteThanks for sharing your light as well.
ReplyDeleteIf it means anything, there are those that want relationships that also kill them with their fear and insecurity. That's the crappy thing about fear; it improvises despite are intentions.
It would be so easier to simply ask for what we want rather than complain about what we aren't getting. It just doesn't happen that way all the time. We swap the positive energy of a simple request with negative energy of bemoaning what we don't have. I'm learning every day to focus on the positive energy and not the negative. It is a daily battle.
I was thinking of your shopping people statement. It reminds me of shopping menu and finding out a new dining spot lacks a menu item I like. I could be upset about it, or I could see if the necessary ingredients are in the kitchen, and find out if this is one of those special establishments that will accommodate non-menu requests. Sometimes we can get what we want from surprising places, simply because we asked. People can be like that, too. Give them a chance to surprise you. They just might go off menu. Plus, they may be surprised what they can offer simply because you asked. Menus can change based on simple, consistent, requests.
Anyway, enough with analogies. Good luck and God bless. sueño con ángeles...
*our
ReplyDeleteAnonymous couldn't edit his typo :)