Day One

When I moved from Virginia Beach to Miami, I would frequently have these anxiety-inducing dreams where I would wake up totally tensed because my brother was about to beat me up or I was about to die violently or some other TERRIBLE fate I couldn't control.  I haven't had them for a while.  I think last night I had a breakthrough.

I was in the Cayman Islands and my friend and former boss Kelli, was driving me around giving me a tour of the island.  I could see from our vantage point that she was taking me down this long peninsula that ends in "the bluff."  I was so excited!  Suddenly her car lifted from the road and we were flying and I could see the entire penisula from the air.  I expressed my surprise that her car could fly and she just looked at me like "where have you been, Quiana?" but in a very loving way.  So we get down to the end and we have to land.  Again, I am thinking "this thing lands?"  And again, Kelli, ever so patient, assures me that it does.  So, somehow, this whole adventure turns into me having to jump from the car and ricocheting myself from this big plastic white barrel in order to land in a pool on "the bluff" which has now become an island the size of a pool deck elevated way above the water.  Well, I can still do the calculation in my head of approaching speed, estimated bounciness of the barrel, point of body contact with the barrel, the point in space at which I should launch from the car to get the correct angle of ricochet in order to hit the barrel and be redirected to the pool, etc.  But, as I have done many times in my life, I doubted myself and I missed.  I end up in the water and the bluff now turned pool island is now a humongous ship that I am not on.  Kelli is though.  She is watching me in the water from the back of the boat.  And what appears in the water?  A dolphin.  A very happy dolphin comes to play with me.  And I can't see him.  My eyes are stuck shut. I can't open my eyes.  I am trying and trying and trying, but it's like someone has glued them with rubber cement and the more I try, the harder it gets and they snap back closed.  I do get a glimpse of him through squinty eyes and water running down them.  I swear he is smiling.  I can feel him splashing around me.  Kelli is so tickled by this and I am excited and trying to open my eyes so badly so I can see.  (sn:  I don't open my eyes when I am in the water because I never have.  I smell a new adventure).  And then, the dolphin starts giving me dolphin kisses.  Like just touching his mouth where my mouth is, but in a friendly way, like you kiss friends on the cheek.  So I start scratching his belly and we are so in like and having so  much fun with each other.   It was just pure enjoyment and being in the moment.  Then the cruise ship starts to pull away.  I get a little concerned and try to swim after it, but not for long because I know I am not catching that thing.  Kelli is yelling to me that Kathryn (a former student) will not be able to come back and get me for an hour.  I am not afraid.  The thought of sharks popped into my head, but I felt safe with my new dolphin friend.  I figured if sharks did come around, I could just hitch a ride because he would hightail it out of there with me holding on for dear life..

I don't swim in real life.  The fact is that in this sort of dream, I would normally freak out, start crying, start imagining every HORRIBLE situation that could ensue from being left in the ocean by myself, like sharks circling me and attacking me bit by bit or drowning slowly from big waves continually crashing down on me or the dolphin turning evil and dragging me to the bottom of the ocean floor.  And then I would wake up feeling extremely fragile.  And that feeling of insecurity and fear would hop on my shoulder like a freakin pirate's parrot and squawk in my ear all day long.

But that did not happen.

I woke up feeling peaceful.  I woke up knowing that there's no need to freak out.  I am capable of handling 99% of what the world throws at me and for the times I can't handle, there are wonderful, kind, generous, thoughtful humans who would loan me their whatever to help.  And I can be at peace.

My boss told me yesterday I have to come up with a dessert for an event for 250 people.  I didn't even flinch.  My brain just started churning.  I don't know how this me came about, but I am liking her more and more each day I get to know her and remain true to her.