Hallucinations

There is a part of my brain that I want to label "dark" but I really don't want to label it more.

This part of my brain plays horrid flashes of images in my head all day.

Images of me slicing up my fingers.  Images of blood flowing because I have sliced myself or raked my fingers through spikes.  It's always my hands.  I hate it.  I have to not think about it too much because it makes me feel like there is some part of my brain trying to tell "me" something and I don't know what it is.  I don't know why I repeatedly see these things.  I am trying not to hate it.  I am trying not to let it depress me.  I am trying to be very zen about it and accept that my brain is producing these images and not label it as anything, you know the whole, it-is-what-it-is-bit.  Sometimes this is very easy.  Sometimes I just want to cry because I want to stop seeing them.

Today, I was cutting some potatoes for dinner and I felt very comfortable with the knife in my hand.  Very secure.  I thought to myself Why do I keep seeing these things when I feel confident with this knife in my hand?  No images of blood when I actually have a knife in hand.  Just "randomly" throughout the day.

Then I think of this book I read called Little Bee.  Really good book.  <<SPOILER ALERT-SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU WANT TO READ THE BOOK>>  But there is a part in the book where an American couple has to chop off a finger in order to save the lives of a couple of African girls.  I wonder to myself if I would do it.  In the book, the husband doesn't do it but the wife does.  I think to myself, well this woman chopped off her own fingers, maybe I should just chop off my own fingers so the fear of chopping them off and the horrible images will go away.

I am not going to chop off my fingers.

I believe that the images don't have much to do with my fingers.  I sure do wish I understood what they do have to do with.